The “End of the World” Party

Hubble Gertz sent out invitations last Tuesday for his End of the World party. He instructed that it would have the theme “Wrestlers vs. Prime Ministers”. You must be in costume to attend. Snacks and heavy appetizers will mainly be comprised of endangered species. Of course, Teddy Roosevelt probably had eaten most of these dishes before but in a more conservationist type of way.

I heard the mail arrive last Tuesday as I was eating a steaming bowl of cheese grits. I fumbled through the mail looking for anything interesting. I dropped the other mail and excitedly ripped open Hubble’s invitation. I have to admit I clumsily partially tore the invitation. I hope this won’t be required to enter. I turned over to read the back of the invitation. Oh great. It will be required. I’m not looking forward to eating endangered animals. I would settle for some Ruben finger sandwiches. Maybe a quesadilla.

I had the hardest time determining what costume to wear. Most folks probably had me down as a sure bet to come as a wrestler. I do have unitard and once won a Halloween costume dressed as Ric Flair. However, I can’t stand being predictable with my costumes. I had to hit the books and study up on Prime Ministers. I secretly hoped that there was some crossover option. Like a Jesse “the Body” Ventura type of person.

The day of the party arrived. I still didn’t have a costume. I decided at the last minute to wrap my jacket in newspapers. That sounds like a costume, right? Man! It was hot! What a terrible idea! And the noise. I can’t believe that Hubble let me in. He asked what I was dressed as and I kind of looked away and cough spoke to hide my lack of a costume.

He fired a canon thirty times. This seemed like an odd number to me. I’m not sure what the symbolism was. He had a small speed boat in his pool. He was doing donuts and he would pause every so often and fire off a cannonball. The cannon was in the boat. He was dressed as an admiral or some ranking naval officer. He was bedecked with a multitude of feathers. Whenever he made a proclamation, he insisted upon thrusting his sword in the air before doing so.

After he grew tired of donuts he exited his speed boat and had a wagon full of roman candles carted in. I tried to grab a handful and he shot me a hard glare and barred his teeth. He proceeded on shooting off every one of the three hundred and seventy-eight roman candles himself.

The table was covered with exotic dishes. Hubble must have hired a caterer who had access to a Dr. Seuss cookbook. There were roasts with beaks and numerous legs. They probably shopped at the same place where John Madden gets all of his turkeys. I can’t say that I was the only one who was put off by this display. Hubble didn’t seem fazed. He piled up at least four heaping plates.

Hubble hired dueling pianos. These performers were incredibly talented. However, their set list had been severely limited by the host. They played Party in the USA on repeat.

After a while Hubble walked around and challenged all of the elderly guest to feats of strengths. He spewed a heap of insults on anyone who would not accept his challenges. This was everyone. It was at this point I ventured to escape. My loud newspaper jacket betrayed me. Hubble cornered me and gave me quite the tongue lashing. I stared at him motionlessly. After he exhausted himself I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t catch all that. Can you please repeat what you just said?”

Hubble marched off to his speed boat and performed more donuts while intermittently blasting his cannon.